Please don't use social media to get back at me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
