i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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