I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
