when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
