Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
