i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
