yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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