evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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