You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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