When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
