don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
