Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
