My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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