Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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