I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
