The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
