Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
