My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
