Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
