You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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