Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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