??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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