The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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