I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
