How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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