So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize