the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
