the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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