After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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