I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
