If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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