soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Houston, we have a squirter
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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