Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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