My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My dick has a subreddit
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
