1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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