i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
