Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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