We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
