By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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