What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
