On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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