I wanna bring you to show and tell
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
