doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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