I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
