my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
