he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
