For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
