two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
