Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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