she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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