Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
