saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize