I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
