I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize