Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
