Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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