I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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