the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
