just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
