Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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