I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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