and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
