So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
