i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize