My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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