i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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