I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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