who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
