I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
