Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
