That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
